Final Rant o' the Year




It's been, as Queen Elizabeth once said, an annum horibilis for me, especially the last three months.

Between the scorching resentments I still have toward my ex-boss the Devil Wears Payless and that Pussy of a Mormon, no-nuts havin' CEO, and my sweet Mama passing away three days after that debacle ended, I feel as raw as a bug sprayed with RAID.
I am so depressed and easily annoyed right now, virtually everything (besides my siblings) I encounter outside my front door bothers me.
To wit:
-Turkeys should not be fried. It's wrong and I want it stopped.
-Those fucking renters next door have installed a regulation sized basketball hoop next to the tin garage doors about 12 feet from my office window. The BANGS, the screaming, the smack talking and the hip-hop on the boom box- sometimes as late as 11 p.m.- are driving me insane.
-I went mall walking this afternoon before meeting a friend for an early movie. The stores were all very messy, especially Burlington Coat Factory, with shoes scattered all over the place and a bunch of lazy, fat employees standing around ignoring the mess and gossiping about the hickies they got last night from their felonious slacker baby daddies.
-All the Christmas shit everywhere was half price but you can tell they jacked up the original prices before they halved them. Crooked bastards!
-The theater we went to used to serve these fabulous burgers and fries for about 7 bucks. Now they jacked the price up to $7.62 and replaced the delicious fries with a miniscule bag o' chips. A Diet Coke was $3.21. What's with the odd prices? What kind of fuckery is this?
-I went to a holiday dinner last night at the local AA/Al-Anon joint (I'm sort of in Al-Anon) and those fucking recovering drunks showed up all dirty and unshaved and ate like pigs. My chair was jostled about five times by enormous stinky people as I tried to eat. I left the nanosecond I was finished, still chewing on the way out to my car.
-Clerks in convenient stores are either rude Indians, chattering Pakistanis or stupid gang banger chicks with their eyebrows drawn in with Sharpies. It took one of them about 60 full seconds to figure out how to give me 92 cents in change tonight. I wanted to tell her to stop talking to her stupid coworker and just give me my fucking change, but I thought she might come over the counter and punch me.
-I hate those new diamond "journey" necklaces that start with a small diamond and end with a big one in a little swivel. What a gimmick. "If you really loved me, you'd give me a journey necklace." People fall for that shit. It's the diamond tennis bracelet of the 2000s. Cliche, mass marketed jewelry equals a mediocre romantic mind to me.
-Retail stores are getting out of hand with the mailed Christmas catalogs and e-mail offers. This season I received a pile of catalogs about four feet high- all from the same three or four retailers. Hey LL Bean, Eddie Bauer, J. Crew, Land's End and Coldwater Creek-- I knew your entire inventory back in October, so there was no reason to send me 20 variations of each catalog every fucking week.
-If people have children, they should not be allowed to take them out in public unless they have first trained them not to issue blood curdling screams whenever they feel like it. It's not cute, it's not funny and something is wrong with anyone who thinks it's okay.
-Big pick-up trucks do not need extra high tires, and anyone who thinks he needs them has a 3" penis and parakeet balls. It's called over-compensation, needle dicks.
-What was Benizar Bhutto thinking exposing herself to that throng of madmen?
-The only thing worse than holiday music is Country Holiday Music. Toby Keith can suck that little drummer boy!

Whew. I feel a little better.

Now I will mention the people and things I loved best this year.
-My big sister and brother and my other sister have all been very gentle with me (and each other) since Mama died. They have been such a comfort.
-Big Sis bought me my dream boots for Christmas and they fit like Mr. Lucchese descended from Heaven just to customize them for me. I love them!
-I had my first taste of cheesy grits with mild jalapenos last night and I swear they are my new favorite food. I plan to get the recipe and make a bathtub full of them, then jump in with a big spoon.
-My brother got me a remote control helicopter for Christmas and my kitties went berserk. Nick the baby was so excited, his teeth were chattering like when he sees a squirrel outside the window.
-Amy Winehouse's Back to Black CD has prevented me from possibly driving off a cliff this year. She's a lot crazier than me, and I found that comforting.

Now let's all go have a happy fucking New Year.