Ice Skating Screw Job

The Russians stole the gold from the Canadians in pairs figure skating last night and I am outraged!
The Russians made at least two mistakes and those crooked Eastern bloc judges overlooked Jamie Sale and David Pelletier's flawless performance.
Even the crooked French judge admitted she made a deal with the Russians in exchange for a nod to the French ice dancers.

Check out this AOL poll:
Should Canadians Jamie Sale and David Pelletier have won the gold medal in figure skating?
• Absolutely! No question they deserved gold. 14,421   95%
• The judges were correct; the Russian team had a harder program. 542   3%
• The Russian team really was better. 124   0%
Total votes: 15,087  
Another internet poll of more than 100,000 said about the same thing.
The Ice Skating Federation needs to put a mic on these judges and monitor their every move until they can clean up this crooked mess. Better still, fire them, fine the countries they represent and get some judges with some integrity.
I would have been outraged by this even if my sweetie wasn't a Canadian and an ice skater.

Oh Brother.

>>ADMITTED: Noelle Bush, 24, Florida Gov. Jeb Bush's daughter (and the niece of President Bush), accused of prescription fraud, has entered a drug-treatment program, her lawyer told the AP. She will spend whatever time is necessary in rehab, said attorney Peter Antonacci. <<

If any of us impersonated a physician in order to get narcotics, we'd either be in jail or free pending trial after posting a mega-thousand dollar bond.
Because this loser is a Bush, she gets a vacation in a treatment spa "for whatever time is necessary" (for this scandal to blow over).
She is a felon, but her status makes her a poor, innocent victim.
People all over the country are in jail for possession of one joint or a few pills, yet this little pedigreed poodle is getting a massage and talking about the pressures of being a Bush in some undoubtedly fancy detox center.
How many more times will the Bushkin be allowed to flaunt the laws of the land?
Is anyone else mad about this?

Fear Factor

This has to be the sickest show on network TV. They humiliate people, they subject them to danger and they are sadistic as hell.
I have seen the show twice, once they made the contestants eat pigs ears, hearts, eyes, etc. and in another (celebrity edition) they put live insects like roaches, scorpions and spiders on peoples' heads.
I have my own version of Fear Factor.
1. Contestants are gagged and locked in a room with Rush Limbaugh.
2. Contestants are tied up and given Toni Home Perms by their mothers.
3. Velveeta and Spam eating contests.
4. Contestants must shave all body hair with a Lady Epilator.
5. Contestants have to sit in a hot car on vinyl seats in Arizona in the summer.
6. Contestants must watch a triple overtime game between the Golden State Warriors and the Memphis Grizzlies, with the final score being 67-69.
7. Contestants must wear blonde wigs and go on a date with O.J. Simpson, high on crack, with itching powder in his bikini thong and a sticker in his Bruno Maglis.
8. Contestants must see how many times they can listen to Celine Dion singing the theme from the Titanic, full blast, with high treble on $20 speakers.
9. The Dr. Pepper n' Chivas Regal drinking contest.
10. The Square Dance Marathon.

Olympic Haiku, Mostly

We won two medals
Canada hasn't won yet
Better have a beer

James my kitten likes
To watch the skiers fly down
He thinks they are bugs

Ceremonies start
I sat there like a big butch
Cried at everything

Canada team gear
Maroon and so leathery
Color matches bronze

I love ice skaters
So graceful, so lithe, so smooth
And how 'bout them butts?

My Zed's a skater
But then online we all have
Skater butts n' stuff

My Zed's a Canuck
Zed rhymes with bed and Canuck
rhymes with... the F word

Canada vs America

Americans, never call a Canadian girlfriend during the opening ceremonies of the Olympics, especially if she has a backache and is high on pain killers.
Zed asked me if Mike Tyson was gonna light the damn Olympic flame.
She wasn't interested in watching NBC, the official Olympics network, she was watching it on CNB or CBC, or some damn Canuck network.
No Katie Couric, no Bob Costas, no Dick Button, she likes commentators named Guy (pronounced Ghee) LeMieux or Jean Luc Poutine giving her the olympics poop.
I don't think she even cried when the American team came out.
I bet she didn't even shoot the finger at the TV when the Iranian team marched by.
I see I am gonna have to work on her xenophobia and Canadacentricity.
Meanwhile, watch Jay Leno to see the intern he has covering the games.
"She" is named Ross and is the butchest woman I have ever seen, but she has a very cute, girlish, giggly personality so she's very odd to watch. Her haircut is beyond butch. You gotta see her.

Watch It Wiggle...

Some kind of glitch in my system makes it impossible for me to access my pal Raven's Watch It Wiggle blogsite. I click on it or enter the url in my browser and it leads me to my harddrive file to download it.
I miss reading her stuff- she's fiesty and pissed off and funny- but I can't for the life of me figure out why I can't just click and go.
Anyone else have this problem?

Small Texas Newspapers

Yesterday I sat for eight hours reading newspapers.
I was judging a competition for small Texas publications, and I left wondering how half these newspapers stay in business.
Never mind Associated Press Style guidelines, some of these "reporters" didn't get past elementary school grammar.
One newspaper from the Gulf Coast area had a front page story about the nearby discovery of a sunken ship, filled with treasures and booty galore.
Then the story jumped to another page and there was a colorful artist's rendering of the newly surfaced ship and what treasures were thought to be aboard.
On the third jump page was a funny face saying, "April Fool's!"
That was not ridiculous enough.
On the entry, someone added a note saying the piece had generated hundreds of calls, people bought metal detectors, and some came from hundreds of miles away to explore the so-called wreckage area.
The newspaper publisher should have been sued rather than entering that crap in a competition.
The other judge and I gave them a 1 out of 10 points and two stern lectures.
Another entry was by this reporter who wrote about his small town's reaction to 9/11.
He called the villain "Osama bin Satan," which may be true, but it's not the jerk's name.
By far the worst category to judge was "color photography."
Imagine 80 pages of out of focus American flags, kids with Easter eggs, kids with American Flags, kids with sand pails, kids with back to school apples, kids in pumpkin patches, kids in kitten and bunny rabbit costumes and kids opening Christmas gifts.
Gag.
I awarded top prize to an enormously large high school football player, crying after a huge loss. Now that's photojournalism.

Good God, it's an Epidemic!

When I signed on AOL just now I found on the welcome screen about 20 links to Valentine's Dilemmas and Disasters.
What to do when you have nobody, what to do to get someone, how to keep from slitting your wrists, how to make him/her love you, how to tell if she's hot for you, what to say to make her hot for you, how to dump someone, what to buy, where to buy it, how to dress, when to undress...
Jesus, it's a romantic madhouse.
Here's my simple guide to picking the perfect Valentine:
Find a nice woman. Be nice to her. Make sure she's nice to you.
Tell her you like her. Tell her what you like about her.
Make sure she feels the same way about you.
Ask her if she'll be your Valentine.
If she says yes, make her glad she did.

Valentine's Gifts I Do Not Want

All this talk about Valentine's Day has made me start to think, what don't I want for this special day of affection?

• Stuffed animals. I have real animals who take up enough space.
• A talking/singing trout that hangs on the wall. 'Nuff said.
• Lingerie. I sleep in a T-shirt, lingerie is itchy and I look silly in it.
• Balloons. James my kitten is already crazy, he doesn't need the added stimuli.
• Cards from ex lovers. It's over. Move on.
• Chocolate covered cherries. Diabetes in a box, no thanks.
• Poetry books. I am a journalist. Most poetry makes my head hurt.
• The Prophet by K. Gibran. I hate that book and he's a windbag.
• Celine Dion or Michael Boulton CDs.
• Fake roses or other faux plantlife.
• Love coupons. They never seemed to get cashed in on demand.
• Slippers shaped like animals. I could trip and bust a hip.
• Fitness tapes. Please, Buns of Steel nearly killed me in the warm-up.
• Cat toys. Have tons, plus James prefers Kleenex and pecans to toys.
• Self help books. At my age, this is pretty much the way I am. Thanks anyway.

Suzy has the horror of VD.

My poor, well meaning pal Suze over at QueerPoetsSociety is in a quandary over selecting the right Valentine's Day gift for each of her potential Valentines.
She's an old school Southern Belle and a Leo, so she's wanting to establish the proper etiquette for appropriate Valentine's Day comportment.
Would chocolates, flowers and a card seem too aggressive?
Would a book be too scholarly and chaste?
Would a card and a few chocolates seem paltry?
Would flowers say too much?
Would a handmade card be too smarmy?
Would just chocolates be too juvenile?
Poor baby has made this entirely too complicated.
Maybe she should write, 'I love you' on an Etch a Sketch and send one to all her potentials. That way, if it's shook up and erased when it arrives, she'll know in her own heart she spoke her mind, took a stand and even laid it on the line. Sorta.
When my nephew was a pre-teen, he solved the dilemma of Valentine's Day by breaking up with his little girlfriend a week before and reconciling with her a week after.
He sure didn't learn that Barbaric behavior from his aunt, the little pisher.
Suze is a great poet.
If I were her, I'd just write them each a nice poem on some pretty paper and leave it at that. Maybe throw in some chocolates and a few flowers. And a card.
Hmm. I am beginning to see her dilemma.