Last Minute Survivor Pick
Ghandia or Robb. Details after the show.
Thursday, October 10, 2002
Random Snippets From a Preoccupied Girl
I was at the old folks home the other day, having lunch with my 89-year-old mother in the big dining area. I said to her, "Hey Mom, have you noticed all the ladies around here have white hair except for you?"
She said, "Well, they're old."
Then on Monday, my sister the impatient lawyer and I spent the morning at the hospital while my other sister the Chinese Medicine doctor was in day surgery having an inguinal hernia repaired.
The lawyer sister started getting antsy while the doctor sister was in recovery, still totally zoned out on anesthesia.
Before I knew it, the lawyer had the doctor all dressed and poured into a wheelchair. I drove the poor thing home at least two hours before she should have been released.
I talked to her last night to see how she was and she said, "Boy, they sure threw me out of the hospital sooner than they should have. Patients should at least be able to talk or walk before they get released."
I told her, "Um, I think the lawyer might have expedited your release a bit."
She said, "Oh, is that how I got my clothes on?"
It's very humid and sort of warmish in San Antonio this week. I am going to end up dressing in something cool to travel in and freezing my ass off when I land in Connecticut. October 10 and it's still air conditioner weather in this steamroom of a town.
I can't wait to be cold. I am going to wade barefoot in the Atlantic just to get a nice chill. Mmm.
I am shlepping way too many gifts for way too many people. I was even planning to take some Texas hot sauce to this lesbian Ogunquit B&B innkeeper who had no vacancies, so I could drop in and meet her.
Then she asked me to bring her a nice, petite femme from Texas.
Scratch the hot sauce, I am not packing *anything* for some old butch.
More later, I have an urge to iron.
I was at the old folks home the other day, having lunch with my 89-year-old mother in the big dining area. I said to her, "Hey Mom, have you noticed all the ladies around here have white hair except for you?"
She said, "Well, they're old."
Then on Monday, my sister the impatient lawyer and I spent the morning at the hospital while my other sister the Chinese Medicine doctor was in day surgery having an inguinal hernia repaired.
The lawyer sister started getting antsy while the doctor sister was in recovery, still totally zoned out on anesthesia.
Before I knew it, the lawyer had the doctor all dressed and poured into a wheelchair. I drove the poor thing home at least two hours before she should have been released.
I talked to her last night to see how she was and she said, "Boy, they sure threw me out of the hospital sooner than they should have. Patients should at least be able to talk or walk before they get released."
I told her, "Um, I think the lawyer might have expedited your release a bit."
She said, "Oh, is that how I got my clothes on?"
It's very humid and sort of warmish in San Antonio this week. I am going to end up dressing in something cool to travel in and freezing my ass off when I land in Connecticut. October 10 and it's still air conditioner weather in this steamroom of a town.
I can't wait to be cold. I am going to wade barefoot in the Atlantic just to get a nice chill. Mmm.
I am shlepping way too many gifts for way too many people. I was even planning to take some Texas hot sauce to this lesbian Ogunquit B&B innkeeper who had no vacancies, so I could drop in and meet her.
Then she asked me to bring her a nice, petite femme from Texas.
Scratch the hot sauce, I am not packing *anything* for some old butch.
More later, I have an urge to iron.
Wednesday, October 09, 2002
Free at Last
Oh, thank God I am finally done with my assignments and free to revel in vacation plans like ironing, banking, filing all my maps and driving directions into a little pile, packing, deciding what to wear and just daydreaming about being on the beach in a blissful daze.
My client was testing me to see if I'd snap. She piled two new interviews and story assignments on me last night, knowing I was trying to wrap things up.
Then she asked me to fill in some personal details about this employee I did a feature on, like his marital and kid status. What is this, Ladies Home Fuckin' Journal?
Ha! Wait till she tries to get hold of me tomorrow. "Hello, Karen? Wah wah wah wah wah wah...Karen?"
It's official. My vacation starts tonight.
And professionally, I just don't give a shit. :D
Oh, thank God I am finally done with my assignments and free to revel in vacation plans like ironing, banking, filing all my maps and driving directions into a little pile, packing, deciding what to wear and just daydreaming about being on the beach in a blissful daze.
My client was testing me to see if I'd snap. She piled two new interviews and story assignments on me last night, knowing I was trying to wrap things up.
Then she asked me to fill in some personal details about this employee I did a feature on, like his marital and kid status. What is this, Ladies Home Fuckin' Journal?
Ha! Wait till she tries to get hold of me tomorrow. "Hello, Karen? Wah wah wah wah wah wah...Karen?"
It's official. My vacation starts tonight.
And professionally, I just don't give a shit. :D
Gimme a Hit of That
I know my sitemeter will tank when I am gone, so I am going to have to bait some search engine hooks so I can attract new hits while the regulars are dormant.
Gee, I wonder if bass fishermen like women with big breasts?
Has Kelly from American Idol posed nude?
Osama bin Laden might be found dead. I watch CNN to find out.
I wish they'd sell FAT FREE CHOCOLATE. Oprah would love that.
What did Nostradamus say about the world trade center?
I wouldn't want hip hop or rap CDs if they gave them to me free.
Boy that Bruce Springsteen sure knows how to release a CD.
Melly told me she was 5'11". She's an Amazon.com!
Poor Richard Gere and those gerbil rumors.
I bet Britney Spears has never posed naked.
I can't wait for my vacation. Yahoo!
Is Napster still giving away free music downloads?
Think they'll convict Martha Stewart and make her a prison bitch?
Boy, is George W. Bush stupid!
I know my sitemeter will tank when I am gone, so I am going to have to bait some search engine hooks so I can attract new hits while the regulars are dormant.
Gee, I wonder if bass fishermen like women with big breasts?
Has Kelly from American Idol posed nude?
Osama bin Laden might be found dead. I watch CNN to find out.
I wish they'd sell FAT FREE CHOCOLATE. Oprah would love that.
What did Nostradamus say about the world trade center?
I wouldn't want hip hop or rap CDs if they gave them to me free.
Boy that Bruce Springsteen sure knows how to release a CD.
Melly told me she was 5'11". She's an Amazon.com!
Poor Richard Gere and those gerbil rumors.
I bet Britney Spears has never posed naked.
I can't wait for my vacation. Yahoo!
Is Napster still giving away free music downloads?
Think they'll convict Martha Stewart and make her a prison bitch?
Boy, is George W. Bush stupid!
Tuesday, October 08, 2002
Obla Di Obla Da, Wah Wah Wah...
Why do people even bother to try to work the week before vacation?
I have written four major articles and interviewed 10 people since last Friday and I couldn't tell you what any of the stories were about or any of the interviewees' names if you paid me. The only thing I am sure of is spelling and grammar, and that's because a program did it for me.
Simply put, I don't give a shit.
My dining room table is piled with bills to pay, paperwork to file, new socks and underwear still with tags on them, an assortment of pants, shirts and jackets, hotel brochures, maps, books and little gifts I plan to shlep with me on vacation.
I haven't had time to pack, go to the bank or even daydream about drinking rum punches while watching the little fishing boats bobbing at the docks.
My client has called me at least six times today and she sounds like a parent in a Peanuts cartoon. "Karen? Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah story wah wah wah deadline wah wah wah."
Only heavenly kismet caused me to miss all six of her calls today.
That wah wah wah wah Peanuts voice intolerance has only crept up on me lately.
I am getting too old and jaded to listen to anyone's horseshit for long. When the grifter (aka: the antigoddess) started with that wah wah wah don't interrupt me wah wah wah wah wah wah crap, I just tuned out until I heard the blessed silence of her finally having to swallow. Toward the end, I didn't care that she wouldn't let me talk, I just wanted to hang up and turn the phone ringer off.
I was clearing my voicemail of old, saved messages and I listened to a few of hers- they went from sweet, purring vixen to wah wah wah wah wah in less than two weeks.
I don't care if she could make little origami animals with her labia and braid cherry stems with her tongue, the woman whined and bitched too much to stomach.
I am in a great mood when left in peace to contemplate my vacation.
I am staying at a hotel on the beach and all I have to do is turn right or left to visit lighthouses, quaint seaside villages, shops and restaurants. I am meeting someone there who I know will give me no incessant jabbering and all the space I need to unplug and contemplate nothing.
Vacations should be about contemplating nothing. No wah wah wah.
Why do people even bother to try to work the week before vacation?
I have written four major articles and interviewed 10 people since last Friday and I couldn't tell you what any of the stories were about or any of the interviewees' names if you paid me. The only thing I am sure of is spelling and grammar, and that's because a program did it for me.
Simply put, I don't give a shit.
My dining room table is piled with bills to pay, paperwork to file, new socks and underwear still with tags on them, an assortment of pants, shirts and jackets, hotel brochures, maps, books and little gifts I plan to shlep with me on vacation.
I haven't had time to pack, go to the bank or even daydream about drinking rum punches while watching the little fishing boats bobbing at the docks.
My client has called me at least six times today and she sounds like a parent in a Peanuts cartoon. "Karen? Wah wah wah wah wah wah wah story wah wah wah deadline wah wah wah."
Only heavenly kismet caused me to miss all six of her calls today.
That wah wah wah wah Peanuts voice intolerance has only crept up on me lately.
I am getting too old and jaded to listen to anyone's horseshit for long. When the grifter (aka: the antigoddess) started with that wah wah wah don't interrupt me wah wah wah wah wah wah crap, I just tuned out until I heard the blessed silence of her finally having to swallow. Toward the end, I didn't care that she wouldn't let me talk, I just wanted to hang up and turn the phone ringer off.
I was clearing my voicemail of old, saved messages and I listened to a few of hers- they went from sweet, purring vixen to wah wah wah wah wah in less than two weeks.
I don't care if she could make little origami animals with her labia and braid cherry stems with her tongue, the woman whined and bitched too much to stomach.
I am in a great mood when left in peace to contemplate my vacation.
I am staying at a hotel on the beach and all I have to do is turn right or left to visit lighthouses, quaint seaside villages, shops and restaurants. I am meeting someone there who I know will give me no incessant jabbering and all the space I need to unplug and contemplate nothing.
Vacations should be about contemplating nothing. No wah wah wah.
Ten Thousand Times Two
Remember a while back when I had that stupid 10,000th Visitor Sweepstakes and I broke my comments box, had to beg BlogBack owner Marcus to forgive me, made myself crazy and ended up having to give out extra prizes to compensate for my sheer stupidity in misplanning the event?
Well, yesterday I hit 20,000 visitors.
Thanks everyone for coming and for making so many great comments.
And Marcus, you are one cute Digiboy.
Remember a while back when I had that stupid 10,000th Visitor Sweepstakes and I broke my comments box, had to beg BlogBack owner Marcus to forgive me, made myself crazy and ended up having to give out extra prizes to compensate for my sheer stupidity in misplanning the event?
Well, yesterday I hit 20,000 visitors.
Thanks everyone for coming and for making so many great comments.
And Marcus, you are one cute Digiboy.
Cringe-o-Meter
Do you have a Cringe-o-Meter?
You know, when things are going fine in a conversation and the person with whom you are conversing says or does something that makes you want to smack him or her in the face with a rolled up magazine?
Besides the dreaded "finger quotes," another gesture bound to send my Cringe-o-Meter into the red zone is putting one's index finger into one's cheek and making a twisting motion to indicate where a dimple might be. What the fuck is that all about, anyway?
I think it means, "Aren't I cute?" and the answer is, "No, you are not."
Certain words also set me off, most notably, "nucular" instead of "nuclear," "wif" instead of "with," and "da" instead of "the."
More phrases: "revert back to," "happy, happy- joy, joy," "widdle girl's/boy's woom" the dreaded "I sowwy," "Anyone?... Anyone?," "I'm your Huckleberry" and who can forget "WHASSSSSUUUUP!"
I am amazed more people don't openly object to these sorts of assaults to the senses.
They need to stop and I mean it.
Can you hear me now?
Do you have a Cringe-o-Meter?
You know, when things are going fine in a conversation and the person with whom you are conversing says or does something that makes you want to smack him or her in the face with a rolled up magazine?
Besides the dreaded "finger quotes," another gesture bound to send my Cringe-o-Meter into the red zone is putting one's index finger into one's cheek and making a twisting motion to indicate where a dimple might be. What the fuck is that all about, anyway?
I think it means, "Aren't I cute?" and the answer is, "No, you are not."
Certain words also set me off, most notably, "nucular" instead of "nuclear," "wif" instead of "with," and "da" instead of "the."
More phrases: "revert back to," "happy, happy- joy, joy," "widdle girl's/boy's woom" the dreaded "I sowwy," "Anyone?... Anyone?," "I'm your Huckleberry" and who can forget "WHASSSSSUUUUP!"
I am amazed more people don't openly object to these sorts of assaults to the senses.
They need to stop and I mean it.
Can you hear me now?
Monday, October 07, 2002
Pulp Friction Merchandise
I have noticed some of my fellow bloggers selling stuff with their blog logo on it, like
T-shirts, cups, mouse pads and so on.
I am thinking of marketing my own line of Pulp Friction merchandise.
• Pulp Friction Chick-Away™ Cologne:
When you wear this spicy scent, even the most stable and honest potential new girlfriend will run to the first ambulatory butch who catches her eye.
• Pulp Friction Dinosaur Plush Toys™:
Choose from three lovable dinosaur plushies: Likkalotapus, Tyranasoreass Ex, Brontobitch.
• Pulp Friction's Lesbian Travel Guide™:
Tips on finding love in or near desirable vacation locales.
• Pulp Friction Astrolube Guide™:
An intimate guide to which signs are the wettest and which are the driest!
• Pulp Friction Etch-a-Sketch™ telephone book:
Just flip it over and shake to remove errors in judgment.
• Pulp Friction Magic 8-Ball™ Romance Planner:
Works as well as any other method when it comes to choosing the right woman.
I have noticed some of my fellow bloggers selling stuff with their blog logo on it, like
T-shirts, cups, mouse pads and so on.
I am thinking of marketing my own line of Pulp Friction merchandise.
• Pulp Friction Chick-Away™ Cologne:
When you wear this spicy scent, even the most stable and honest potential new girlfriend will run to the first ambulatory butch who catches her eye.
• Pulp Friction Dinosaur Plush Toys™:
Choose from three lovable dinosaur plushies: Likkalotapus, Tyranasoreass Ex, Brontobitch.
• Pulp Friction's Lesbian Travel Guide™:
Tips on finding love in or near desirable vacation locales.
• Pulp Friction Astrolube Guide™:
An intimate guide to which signs are the wettest and which are the driest!
• Pulp Friction Etch-a-Sketch™ telephone book:
Just flip it over and shake to remove errors in judgment.
• Pulp Friction Magic 8-Ball™ Romance Planner:
Works as well as any other method when it comes to choosing the right woman.
Sunday, October 06, 2002
My Best Friend's Back
Life is back to normal now, my best friend Anna's back from Ethiopia.
We went out to see Red Dragon this afternoon and she nearly punctured my right bicep, gripping it with fear. God, it was good to sit next to her at the movies again.
It was a good movie. Fairly true to the book.
Not much Hannibal but Ray Fiennes was pretty chilling.
I wondered why they didn't use Joaquin Phoenix as the lead, since he actually has a repaired cleft palate.
Anyway, it was a good movie. Not great, but good.
The Sopranos start in about 10 minutes.
All in all, a good Sunday.
Life is back to normal now, my best friend Anna's back from Ethiopia.
We went out to see Red Dragon this afternoon and she nearly punctured my right bicep, gripping it with fear. God, it was good to sit next to her at the movies again.
It was a good movie. Fairly true to the book.
Not much Hannibal but Ray Fiennes was pretty chilling.
I wondered why they didn't use Joaquin Phoenix as the lead, since he actually has a repaired cleft palate.
Anyway, it was a good movie. Not great, but good.
The Sopranos start in about 10 minutes.
All in all, a good Sunday.
Brazilian Brain Terrorism
Last night I went to dinner at some friends' house with another couple and my friend Cynthia.
After some iced sake with the appetizers, they served the national cocktail of Brazil called a Caipirhina, which consists of a 150 proof Brazilian cane sugar rum called Cachaça, muddled with lime juice, sugar and ice. They taste 40% better than the best margarita.
The reason Brazil is not a superpower is because they drink Caipirhinas (pronounced kype-pee-REE-nahss).
After two I was so drunk I was eating couscous out of Cynthia's hand, and by the third drink I nearly gave my friend Ruben my new red shoes.
Finally, dinner was ready and we had the most perfect grilled salmon, grilled asparagus, zucchini and red peppers, couscous with pinenuts and sweet cranberries, some baby new potatoes and a spinach salad with bacon, pomegranate kernels and some other fabulous things I was too drunk to discern.
Even with a hangover, I awakened grateful to have friends who know how to throw the perfect dinner party.
Meanwhile, if you are a drinker and looking for something really novel to serve, find a liquor store that stocks Cachaça, buy a mess of limes and make a batch of Caipirhinas.
They are like margaritas with less obvious kick, yet the buzz is tons better.
I am trying to figure out a way to take a batch to New England with me.
Last night I went to dinner at some friends' house with another couple and my friend Cynthia.
After some iced sake with the appetizers, they served the national cocktail of Brazil called a Caipirhina, which consists of a 150 proof Brazilian cane sugar rum called Cachaça, muddled with lime juice, sugar and ice. They taste 40% better than the best margarita.
The reason Brazil is not a superpower is because they drink Caipirhinas (pronounced kype-pee-REE-nahss).
After two I was so drunk I was eating couscous out of Cynthia's hand, and by the third drink I nearly gave my friend Ruben my new red shoes.
Finally, dinner was ready and we had the most perfect grilled salmon, grilled asparagus, zucchini and red peppers, couscous with pinenuts and sweet cranberries, some baby new potatoes and a spinach salad with bacon, pomegranate kernels and some other fabulous things I was too drunk to discern.
Even with a hangover, I awakened grateful to have friends who know how to throw the perfect dinner party.
Meanwhile, if you are a drinker and looking for something really novel to serve, find a liquor store that stocks Cachaça, buy a mess of limes and make a batch of Caipirhinas.
They are like margaritas with less obvious kick, yet the buzz is tons better.
I am trying to figure out a way to take a batch to New England with me.
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