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JUSTICE!!!

The Canadian figure skaters Jamie Sale and David Pelletier were awarded gold medals today! The French judge Marie-Reine Le Gougne was suspended after FINALLY admitting the French Ice Skating Federation pressured her to vote for the Russians.
The bitch should have reported the coersion instead of allowing it.
Meanwhile, the Russians are said to be "furious" over the decision, even though their lesser team is allowed to keep their bogus gold medals.
Their idiot leader was quoted, "It (the decision to award a second gold medal) went against any moral and ethical norms that exist in sport where athletes, not lawyers, compete against each other on the slopes and in the sports arenas and not in back rooms," Nezvegsky said.<<
Can you imagine the balls he has to talk about morality and ethics? Laywers didn't make the decision, the video tapes clearly showed mistakes made by the Russian skaters, so Nezvegsky is making an even greater ass of himself.
I think France should have to forfeit participation in the rest of the ice skating events and the Russians should shut the fuck up and be thankful their second-rate skaters get to keep their gold medals.
As for Sale and Pelletier, they ought to get the bronze medal too so they can take home a complete set.
Bring on the French ice dancers!

I posted this to the Funny Girl Network last year, but I liked it and thought I'd recycle it. A few were taken from New York Magazine, but I wrote the rest.

New Drugs on the Market

Oil of Olé- makes your skin feel like smooth, Spanish leather
Akinacea- treats symptoms similar to the common cold
Tyoneon- great hangover relief
Ex-relax- helps you attend parties when you know your ex will be there
Been-Gay- ointment for rectal irritation
Noagra- treats partners who want it when you don't
Ultrabrie toothpaste- for smiles that say "cheese"
Milk of Amnesia- for treatment of ...uhhh...
Vibraprofen- eases soreness from excessive self-gratification
ExLuxe- for gastric upset involving your ex inheriting millions
Helium Peroxide- when you want to be REALLY blonde
Bear Aspirin- for New Englanders who find grizzlies eating their backyard petunias
Pepto-Biscuit- for treating gastric relief from eating in Southern diners
Absorbing Junior- for avoiding unwanted pregnancy
Tyroneze- for relief from getting bitch slapped
Condominiums- reusable prophylactics for multiple partners
Kinko Biloba-treatment for those who keep forgetting to get copies made
Nitrogena- treats skin and heart conditions
St. John's Work- for people depressed due to excess laziness
Suedafed- for relief from discrimination toward civil service employees
Exstacy- cures depression from being dumped
Vicodun- relieves stress from constant bill collectors
Oh, Sure- deodorant for skeptics
Flax- for public relations fresh breath
Valuem- tranquilizers that help to appreciate one's relatives
Rollsaids- stomach relief for those with expensive cars in the shop
Oxymoron- for treating the same old zits, day in and day out
Beenadrill- pain relief after dental treatment
Vicodum- eases the pain of dealing with morons all day
Zanadu- anti depressant for people who just don't care
Nicosquirm- suppositories for nervous ex-smokers
Zybang- for ex smokers who like to calm their nicotine cravings with sex
Zybong- for ex smokers who like to substitute pot for tobacco
Thoroughzine- knocks out psychotics quick
Zanadouche- tranquilizers that make women feel springtime fresh
Ivory soup- for those who like to be clean- inside and out
Preparation Heche- eases the stress of excess insanity
Compound WWF- for wrestler's aches and pains
Phenobarbiedoll- for easing the stress of not having a tiny waist
Nozee- a placebo labeled "Sorry, nothing in this medicine cabinet that will incriminate me. Now get back to the party."

Simpson to Host Hip-Hop Show

>>CINCINNATI (AP) - O.J. Simpson is scheduled to appear at a hip-hop concert next month in the same neighborhood that was torn by three days of rioting last April.

``O.J. is promoting peace,'' said promoter Anthony Pierre of Mactone Investments.

Simpson will toss autographed footballs to concertgoers, tell jokes and introduce the headline acts, rap artists Foxy Brown and Juvenile.

...The hip-hop crowd was among Simpson's biggest supporters when he went on trial for killing his former wife, Nicole Brown Simpson, and her acquaintance, Ronald Goldman. The former NFL and movie star was acquitted of those deaths in 1995, but later found liable in a wrongful death lawsuit. <<<<

He's telling jokes?
Allow me to help that bastard out.

OJ: What's the difference between me and Pee Wee Herman?
It only took 12 jerks to get me off!

OJ: Did you hear my ex Nicole got her own endorsement offer?
She's going to be a Pez Dispenser.

OJ: What's the difference between me and John Elway?
A: I drive a slow, white Bronco. Elway *is* a slow, white Bronco.

OJ: I went into the hopsital for a biospy. When the doctor pulled out
his scalpel I said, "You call that a knife?!"

OJ: What's the difference between Mark Fuhrman and a black woman?
A black woman can't get me off.

What a shock!

Sons of Reggae Icon Bob Marley in Florida Pot Bust

>>TALLAHASSEE, Fla. (Reuters) - Police in north Florida arrested two sons of the late Jamaican reggae star Bob Marley on marijuana possession charges after finding several "big joints" in a car in which they were riding, officials said on Thursday.

Julian Ricardo Marley, 26, and Stephen Nesta Marley, 29, of Miami, were charged on Wednesday after police stopped a speeding Mercedes-Benz on a highway near Tallahassee, the state capital, police said.

"I walked up to the driver's door and smelled a strong odor of marijuana," said Florida Highway Patrol Sgt. Hugh Cutchen. "In searching the vehicle we found eight big joints of marijuana." <<<

Gee, who would have thought Bob Marley's kids would get mixed up with loco weed?
My favorite part of this story was the cops found "eight big joints."
Now, there are big joints and there are big, Jamaican, raggae-assed, heirs of Bob Marley joints. They must have been HUGE.

The arrest happened in Florida. Perhaps the Marley boys can avoid prosecution and get into rehab with Noelle Bush "for as long as it takes."
Yeah, right.

More Skategate...

>>"We are concerned for the athletes,'' IOC director general Francois Carrard said.
Carrard said the skating chief also assured that the ice dance competition, often the subject of disputed judging, would "be presented in the most proper way'' when it begins Friday night.
Some skaters feared that judges might now juggle their votes to avoid the appearance of fixing in ice dancing. That might hurt the chances of the favored French couple, Marina Anissina and Gwendal Peizerat.
"I think the judges are in big trouble if the French win,'' said Alexander Zhulin, who coaches U.S. and Canadian ice dancers and was a silver medalist in 1994.
"Because of huge pressure on the Russian federation, they will try not to vote for the French. It's best for everyone if Lithuania will win.''<<

See, this is where it's handy for a country like Canada to have rude American pals.
If the French ice dancers win and they didn't earn it, look for a Jerry Springer style melee from the audience.
Stuffed animals and crushed roses will be flung at the judges, sodas will fly and the Utah Jazz basketball team's dirtiest player, Karl Malone, will elbow the French skaters in the head.
Sequins and chiffon will be stomped into the ice. The French will wince and throw lit cigarettes and Cabernet at the hecklers.
All I can say is this.
French ice dancers, bust a move, you snail sucking cheaters.

Olympics: Nasty, Dirty Ice

Damn it. The ice skating events are my favorites and the Russians and that lowlife French seahag judge fucked them up for all us this Olympics.
The Russians just took silver and gold for the men's event.
Gee, what a shock.
Okay, granted, the favorite was Russian Alexi Yagudin, and he did skate a stunningly fabulous program.
Too bad his dishonest comrades in the judging box have already tainted the sport and cast aspersions on even his performance.
These Olympics will not be about Yagudin's stunning performance.
It will be about Canadians Jamie Sales and David Pelletier getting screwed out of well-earned gold by the lesser Russian pair. Quick- what are the Russian pairs' names? Who cares? Let's just call them Boris Screwjavic and Natasha Fuckuova.
That big dyke Ross the intern from Jay Leno interviewed Sales and Pelletier the other night about Skategate, and they were very gracious not to rip the crooked judges, even though Ross tried her best to goad them into it.
One of the highlights after the skating screw job was watching Canuck rockers Bare Naked Ladies with Sales and Pelletier on stage with them, joining in a rendition of the Kinks song "You Really Got Me."
I guess in the Russian House, Screwjavic and Fuckyaova were listening to the Soviet national orchestra's recording of "March of the Volga Boatmen" (aka 'Yo, heave ho') with their depressing, vodka soaked comrades.
And one more thing.
Costumes designed with ragged, diaphanous chiffon look like hell on men skaters. Those French and Russian men skaters need to butch it up and stop trying to look like Nureyev doing Swan Lake.

Valentine's Day: Then and Now

Last year on February 14 I had undiagnosed endometrial cancer, clinical depression, anemia and a tempestuous, moody, self absorbed, ornery, capricious Gemini girlfriend.
We argued on Valentine's Day because she said I went overboard on her gifts.
I should have dumped her then and there, but we lasted another eight miserable months.

I am now cancer-free, non-depressed, red blooded, and was awakened this morning by the sweetest phone call from my calm, loving, affectionate, even tempered and consistent new sweetheart.

I think the lesson in this is what we are willing to tolerate when we settle for less than we know we deserve.

I hear so many friends talk about their lovers like they are walking on eggshells. They tolerate crumbs. They love them, but they don't seem to like them. Seems to me their lovers are like great shoes that just don't fit.

The thing is, romance is supposed to feel good.
If it's a daily struggle, it's just not a good fit.

Last year, I was in a constant state of wondering how things would be with my lover from day to day. I had to maintain a constant vigil to make sure I didn't say or do anything to set her off. I rarely knew the rules of the game, and when I'd learn them she'd change them.

My friends told me they didn't want to hear any more about our latest problems. It had become tedious to them, and I had virtually no support in maintaining such an unhealthy, unhappy relationship.

Now I don't need to discuss my romantic life with friends beyond saying it's great, getting better every day and how lucky I was to find her.

I am not religious, but there is a passage from Paul to the Corinthians that I want to cite on this Valentine's Day. It pretty much sums things up:

Love is patient.
Love is kind.
It does not envy.
It does not boast.
It is not proud.
It is not rude.
It is not self-seeking.
It is not easily angered.
It keeps no record of wrongs.
Love always hopes.
Love never fails.

Happy Valentine's Day, y'all.

My Funny Valentine: Haiku For Two

First, she reblogged me
Her remarks were quite funny
I was curious

Then I tracked her down
Uh oh, she's Canadian...
I got her number

So I called her up
And she said 'oat' and 'aboat'
And other cute things

And one day (or night)
I saw that I was smitten
And wow, she was too

So now we're cozy
And she makes me laugh so much
And she's way sexy

She's very funny
She tolerates no bullshit
And she's sane and safe

She's kind and thoughtful
She's soothing like a balm
And she's consistent

She's not a drunkard
She's not manipulative
She's no drama queen

She's my Valentine
She told me that suits her fine
That's the bottom line

Happy Valentine's Day, Zed.
xox

The Royal Tannenbaums, Religion, Politics and Skating

Just got back from seeing that movie and I was amused to find Gene Hackman's character reminded me of my own father. He too tried to come back around decades later and get chummy with us again, with about the same ratio of success. My dad's also a sort of a likable, colorful, amusing, self-absorbed asshole.
I have heard mixed reviews about the movie, but I liked it. It was funny in an Addam's Family, Twin Peaks sort of way.
Today is Ash Wednesday. As a recovering Catholic, I like to ponder what I'd be willing to give up for lent. Rule out chocolate, swearing, and a few other vices I won't mention here.
I am thinking I'd give up lima beans and anything sold by Long John Silver's.
Meanwhile, Texas Governor Rick Perry has written a letter to the Texas Boxing Federation recommending they deny Mike Tyson a license to box in this state. Good for him.
Tyson is an animal who doesn't deserve to make millions of dollars in the ring. He ought to be in prison, somewhere besides Texas.
Speaking of miserable, lowdown sons of bitches, the French judge for Olympics pair figure skating admitted in a judges' meeting, after the Russian team were awarded gold medals they did not deserve, that the French Skating Federation pressured her to vote with the Russians in order to get the Russians' votes for France in the ice dancing competition.
When the President of the international Ice Skating Federation confronted her, she lied through her teeth and said she was not coerced to vote for the lesser Russian skaters. Bullshit!
The Canadians Sales and Pelletier were robbed and this shameful scam should be protested until they are awarded the gold medals they earned.
I hope the French ice dancers eat some bad shrimp about 8 hours before they take the ice and projectile vomit on the judges' stand during their triple Lutzes.