Sunday, July 28, 2002

Martha Stewart's Sing Sing Prison Bitch Lifestyle
It's a Good Thing!


Now that I am spending some time away from my estates, I have discovered many new "good things" I'd like to share.

· My daughter Alexis sent me some Portland cement, sugar and flour mixed together in a baby powder package. I find placing some of this powder in a jar lid, with a tuna can of water beside it makes an effective rodent treatment for one's quarters. The rodents love the zesty mix, but when they get thirsty and sip water, the cement tends to harden and destroy their filthy little digestive systems.

· The deceased rodents can then be used to carry messages to colleagues in other quarters. Simply jam a message or note into the rodent's mouth and use the tail to hurl the heavy bellied creature toward your intended correspondent.

· Institutional linens can be softened by shaving them with a disposable razor. I save the lint to fashion papier mache friendship rings, one of which I have given to my assistant Elizabeth, who for some reason still insists I call her "Big Betty."

· Exercise in limited space is essential. I find that continually tightening my buttocks muscles relieves tension and firms the derriere. This also discourages unwelcome personal contact while showering or shampooing.

· Tampons cut into half inch lengths make excellent ear plugs for noisy nights.

· Leftover, unbuttered toast or biscuits make wonderful one-use facial scrubs.

· A sanitary napkin, soaked in cool water, makes a rejuvenating eye mask.

· A bar of soap can be carved into charming shapes and designs, which make excellent hostess gifts when visiting other inmates. A plastic, serrated knife makes a suitable carving tool. Elizabeth loved the authentic, Alaskan design totem pole I carved for her, but she said she wished she could get soap in 9 inch bars so she could carve
a special, larger totem for me.

· Cigarettes are valuable trading commodities, however after some trial and error, I found French Gitanes are not as popular as a brand called "Kools." When I used the phrase "trading commodities" to Alexis during a visitation, she shushed me quite harshly. She did however provide funds for a carton of Kools at the commissary, and I
have traded some of them with dear Elizabeth for several Xanax.

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