What she says/What she means

When a woman says:
We need to talk
She means:
We are fixin' to get into a fight

When a woman says:
You are so damn funny!
She means:
Too bad I don't want to fuck you

When a woman says:
I don't know what I'd do without you
She means:
Until my ex, who I can't get over, calls

When a woman says:
You are such a dear friend
She means:
The chances of you fucking me are slightly less than winning the lottery

When a woman says:
You are free to date whomever you please
She means:
Date someone else and I'll make your life a living, white hot hell

When a woman says:
Do you want a back rub?
She means:
Let's have some hot monkey jungle sex, baby

When a woman says:
The next lover you get will be lucky to have you
She means:
Don't even THINK it's gonna be me

When a woman says:
I need time to think
She means:
I need time to think up an excuse how to get out of this nightmare

When a woman says:
It's not you, it's me
She means:
It's you.