Monday, November 16, 2009

The Top Secret Journal of Carrie Prejean

Once again, the crack reporter at Pulp Friction was able to obtain another top secret celebrity journal--this time it's the red-hot former Miss California Carrie Prejean.

November 16, 2009
Dear Top Secret Journal!!!

I hate that Sarah Palin. Just when my secret sex videos hit the she comes with her stupid damn book and knock me out of the lead story.
Also too I hate that dirty old Larry King with his inappreopriate comments. What a nerve he has to think he can ask me just any old thing. I hate him and he smells like old bandaids and vitamin pee.
And Sarah Palin is a big liar I hear. She is in a whole lotta trouble with her book full of lies about McCane's people being mean. She doesn't know mean. She never had to deal with that faggoty bitch Perez Hilton or that other faggoty bitch Micheal Musto. I hate those queers. They are just jealous of me because I get to wear gowns and make-up in public and they have to do it in privat with there fairy friends.
Okay I admitt I was a little embarassed when my sex pics hit the internets but damn I looked hot anyways. A whole lot of cute guys have called me--like Charlie Sheen and David Spade and that guy from knocked up that was fat and now he's not as fat.
Even David Hasslehoff called me but he was so drunk he could'nt talk very good.
I hate those pageant guys who wanted me to pay for my boob job. Oh sure they were only to happy to pay for them when I was in the pageant but let the wind blow wrong and now they want money. As if!!!!
Another thing is: the people from Rachel Madlow's show called and said they wanted me to come on her show. Are they crazy??? Why would I want to be scene with a big lesbian on a tv show? She'd prolly want to finger me under the desk while she was acting all intellectual and stuff. ICK!!!
And so did Kieth Oberman's people call me to be on his show. No way jose!!! That guy is crazy and athiest and so liberal he makes me sick!!!
I also hate that reverend from Texas John Hagee. He wanted me to come talk to his congregation before the sex tapes and now he cancelled becuz he said I was not family values any more. LOL! I still am family values but God made my body beautiful and its not a bad thing to celebrate it as long as I do it tastily. And I did.
But one thing for sure, my book is gonna be as big or bigger then Sarah Palins because my title is better: "Still Standing". I got that idea from a Elton John song and yea I know he's a queer but he's English and I think they are all a little bit on the queer side over there, so what the heck.
Besides: you cant swing a dead cat without hitting a queer nowadays.
Okay I have to get ready for my date now.
I am going out with Lorenzo Lamas son AJ tonight and I wanna look really good in case he takes me somewheres hot. Hes totally hot and famous so I am siked that he asked me out. Will tell you all about it later.
Okay, as they say in Italy, chow!!!


Distributorcap said...

so tell me carrie, have you tried the plastic bag on the head as you masturbated to the camera?

Karen Zipdrive said...

Jeeze can you imagine being so conceited you shoot not one but SEVEN videos of yourself masturbating?
I mean, come on, how many different ways can you do it to make it worth filming it seven times?

nonnie9999 said...

this was hilarious, and i hate to complain, but can i ask just one thing? in the future, when the story is about things like masturbation, could you use a phrase other than crack reporter?

Karen Zipdrive said...

heh heh heh
glad you caught that