Celebrity Salad

I got an e-mail from People/Time chock full of curious items, so I figured it was time for a celebrity gossip blog.

• Wynona Ryder. Why is it this trial has taken almost a year to start? For Chrissakes, show the surveillance video, let someone decide and either throw the book at her or let the bitch go.
• Madonna's remake of "Swept Away" apparently sucked. Didn't even make $400,000 on its opening weekend. The original film's director, Lina Wertmuller, was planning a sequel to her excellent version of the same movie, but now she's thinking Madonna and her goofy husband Guy Richie have screwed it up for her. Madonna jumped the acting shark after Evita. Her last concert was sad. She had to sit down through half the songs.
Madonna has the dough to sit back and raise her kids. She's married to a sexist pig who'd probably like a housewife. A good career move, if you ask me.
• Robert Blake. He killed his skanky pants wife in May of 2001. What's with all the delay? We all know he did it, so try him, fry him and get it over with.
• Michael Jordan. He's suing an ex girlfriend for extortion after he already paid her a quarter million to hush up about their affair two years into his marriage with Juanita.
Who here doesn't know Mike fucks around? Please, it's old news.
• Nick Nolte. He was on the date rape drug GHB when he was arrested recently for DUI.
I remember they used to sell GHB at health food stores over the counter. I heard it was a great sleeping formula so I bought some. It was great for sleeping, but I don't see how anyone could drive on it.
• The Osburnes. Poor Sharon. I think her colon cancer has kind of taken the laughs out of watching the family at their leisure. I don't think their second season is going to be as much fun. Ozzy was fun to see stoned and scrambled, but watching him sad, stoned and scrambled may not play as well.