Monday, December 22, 2003

Ho Ho Hum

The great thing about getting dumped (again) right before Thanksgiving is that by Christmas, the dumpee (aka: me) has pretty much gotten over it.
Yep, just in time for another holiday (my birthday, 4th of July and finally, Thanksgiving) my girlfriend called it quits again, two days before Thanksgiving. I tried to talk her out of it, but she adapted a scorched earth policy that made further attempts to make peace seem absurd, if not downright masochistic.
The bad thing about continually reuniting with someone who kept dumping me was that my usually supportive friends sort of yawned when I told them she'd dumped me again. Mostly they said, "Well, of course she dumped you, there's a holiday coming up."
I checked the calendar and found that when a holiday caused banks to be closed or no mail delivery that day, I was usually single again.
Anyway, with minimal sympathy from friends and zero support from anyone for another futile reconciliation, I started journaling, attending alanon meetings, and within a few weeks I figured out why I should just accept the way things
are and move on.
The beauty of getting dumped is the natural weight loss that comes with it. That, plus new hair color and smaller size clothes made lemonade from the lemons I was handed.
Another telling aspect of getting dumped has been how my ego works against my head and heart at times like this.
Wanting to see her to crawl back filled with apologies, or wanting her to see me around town looking good are both ego fantasies I've indulged in far too many times over the last four weeks. Those ego trips are fading, though. Facts are, I can't risk loving her again because my trust in her is gone, and seeing her around town would only make me feel uncomfortable.
All I know is, I tried my best. I made positive changes and compromised more with her than with anyone I ever loved. I'm a better person, having learned from her many positive traits, and I think she did the best she could, considering the issues she has.
I have no malice toward her.
I didn't cause her to be the way she is, and I can't fix it.
But she'll never have the chance to dump me again, because this time I'm the one who's finally, inexorably finished.

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