Monday, November 22, 2004

Face Like a Moonpie

I have pretty much stopped eating bread.
I stopped buying loaves of it for household use because,as it turns out, bread is a platform for a multitude of bad things, like buttered toast, peanut butter and jelly, tuna salad, cheese and other sandwiches that contain at least a few fattening things.
I eat an occasional slice of whole grain, fancy-pants bread with a salad at Whole Foods, and occasionally I eat raisin toast when I order oatmeal at a restaurant, otherwise I am off it.
Yesterday, after a week of hard exercise and low carbs, I had this excruciating craving for a hamburger.
I wanted one so much, nothing else would do. So I went to Burger King and ordered an Angus Steak™ burger.
It was okay, but not quite up to the fantasy I'd created. I chalked it up to experience and moved on.
When I woke up this morning, the angled cheekbones I had seen all week were gone. In their place was a face as round as a jack o'lantern. Turns out, jack o' lanterns are not at all attractive in flesh tones, with eyeglasses. Nor are Moonpies.
Maybe it was the bun, or the mayo or the meat, but whatever it was, I am now off hamburgers.
It's amazing how inured I once was to eating junk. I never noticed the physical effects because I was never away from rich food long enough to see the difference it makes on my face.
I might have grounds for a lawsuit against Burger King.
My self esteem is shattered, I have emotional angst and a subsequent nervous condition that could trigger an addictive craving for more junk food.
Anyone know a good plaintiff's attorney? This could become a class action thing.
Speaking of diets, does anyone join me in thinking Anna Nicole Smith looks a lot like she's been on the three grams a day cocaine diet?
There's sensible diet and exercise thin, then there's "you look psychotic from too many drugs" thin.
Having seen her show many times, I'm thinking it's gotta be the latter. I wonder if her "assistant" Kim has also lost weight? Hmmmm.

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