Wednesday, July 10, 2002

Martha Stewart's Sing Sing Prison Bitch Diary

• Request for my uniform to be properly pressed denied.
• Suggestion that dinner mints be added after nightly meal denied.
• Requested "Emily Post's Etiquette" be added to library cart. Awaiting reply.
• After some experimentation, was able to create faux dinner mints, using dabs of Colgate toothpaste.

• Demonstrated the proper method of damp mopping to colleagues Shandalier, ChaCha and Big Betty. Apparently the term "bitch" is used affectionately in this milieu.
• Big Betty seems to consider me a "special friend," however I declined her offer to give me a breast exam to "check for lumps," as she is not a trained medical professional.

• Backache from inferior bedding. Big Betty offered a therapeutic massage, however I declined, as she is neither a registered nor licensed masseuse.
• Requested manicure and pedicure service. Am awaiting a reply.
• Saving lemon and orange peels to create a zesty potpourri for my quarters.

• Demonstrated to colleagues the proper way to dispose of seeds and pits while dining.
Shandalier spat an orange seed at me. That was uncalled for.
• Requested again "Emily Post's Etiquette" for the book cart. "Certain individuals" would benefit greatly by perusing this book.

• My colleague Big Betty was reprimanded today for confronting Shandalier about the seed spitting incident yesterday. While I appreciate Big Betty's intentions, I think punching Shandalier forcefully in the throat was somewhat excessive.
• Allowed Big Betty to demonstrate foot reflexology on my aching feet. I never knew foot reflexology included oral manipulation in addition to digital massage. Though somewhat pleasant, it quite reminded me of my Chows when they get exuberant with me at poolside.

• I have politely asked my colleagues to refrain from calling me M-Stew.
• I find the faux dinner mints I created quite useful in bartering situations. Big Betty traded me some of her "special hand lotion" for three mints. The lotion dried out rather quickly, but I appreciate her efforts.

• After refusing to stop calling me M-Stew, ChaCha was reprimanded by Big Betty. I am not sure what that entailed, but ChaCha now calls me Ms. Stewart and refuses to make eye contact.
• Big Betty is perhaps a tad primal, but with some plastic surgery, liposuction, hair styling, grooming and a proper wardrobe, she could make a suitable servant or reflexologist once I am released.
• I suspect the turkey we were served at dinner was from frozen, processed turkey breast. I wrote a note to the warden to point out the obviously wrong delivery, and recommended he contact Jacques, my organic free range turkey man in Connecticut.

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