Martha Stewart's Sing Sing Prison Bitch Diary

Monday:
• Request for my uniform to be properly pressed denied.
• Suggestion that dinner mints be added after nightly meal denied.
• Requested "Emily Post's Etiquette" be added to library cart. Awaiting reply.
• After some experimentation, was able to create faux dinner mints, using dabs of Colgate toothpaste.

Tuesday:
• Demonstrated the proper method of damp mopping to colleagues Shandalier, ChaCha and Big Betty. Apparently the term "bitch" is used affectionately in this milieu.
• Big Betty seems to consider me a "special friend," however I declined her offer to give me a breast exam to "check for lumps," as she is not a trained medical professional.

Wednesday:
• Backache from inferior bedding. Big Betty offered a therapeutic massage, however I declined, as she is neither a registered nor licensed masseuse.
• Requested manicure and pedicure service. Am awaiting a reply.
• Saving lemon and orange peels to create a zesty potpourri for my quarters.

Thursday:
• Demonstrated to colleagues the proper way to dispose of seeds and pits while dining.
Shandalier spat an orange seed at me. That was uncalled for.
• Requested again "Emily Post's Etiquette" for the book cart. "Certain individuals" would benefit greatly by perusing this book.

Friday:
• My colleague Big Betty was reprimanded today for confronting Shandalier about the seed spitting incident yesterday. While I appreciate Big Betty's intentions, I think punching Shandalier forcefully in the throat was somewhat excessive.
• Allowed Big Betty to demonstrate foot reflexology on my aching feet. I never knew foot reflexology included oral manipulation in addition to digital massage. Though somewhat pleasant, it quite reminded me of my Chows when they get exuberant with me at poolside.

Saturday:
• I have politely asked my colleagues to refrain from calling me M-Stew.
• I find the faux dinner mints I created quite useful in bartering situations. Big Betty traded me some of her "special hand lotion" for three mints. The lotion dried out rather quickly, but I appreciate her efforts.

Sunday:
• After refusing to stop calling me M-Stew, ChaCha was reprimanded by Big Betty. I am not sure what that entailed, but ChaCha now calls me Ms. Stewart and refuses to make eye contact.
• Big Betty is perhaps a tad primal, but with some plastic surgery, liposuction, hair styling, grooming and a proper wardrobe, she could make a suitable servant or reflexologist once I am released.
• I suspect the turkey we were served at dinner was from frozen, processed turkey breast. I wrote a note to the warden to point out the obviously wrong delivery, and recommended he contact Jacques, my organic free range turkey man in Connecticut.