Friday, October 10, 2003

Survivor Recap

The reason they filmed Survivor Panama in advance was to stop us from flying to their remote locale to kill Jon the skinny, curly headed dork.
Sandra, the rough Latina from the Drake tribe, is being driven crazy by everyone. "I'm getting tired of hearin' tha crap, he don' geet up early, we geet up early and he's still esleepin. My day is ruin now, hearin tha crap."
Hey Sandra, Rosie Perez called and said she wants her accent back.
Burton, the pretty boy, was pissing Rupert Hagrid off. A man doesn't like to hear his skirt criticized constantly, and Burton was relentless. So what if Rupe's crack was showing? The man can fish.
When Drake won a funky old sewing machine in the reward challenge, Rupert made himself a lovely, khaki a-line skirt. I'll bet San Franciscan Burton was jealous over Rupert's couture savvy.
Osten, from the loser Morgan tribe, again showed his incredible pussyosity by nearly drowning, and needing Andrew and Ryan to save him during the challenge. Someone, please send him back to his Mama. He's a Vienna sausage disguised as a big salami.
When Drake located their buried treasure, instead of rejoicing, Jon the blonde creep bitched because something stinky leaked on all the blankets and stuff.
He called it a Ghetto Christmas and listed everything that "smelled like crap."
So, the winning Drake tribe decided to blow the immunity challenge so they could thin out the herd. When they lost, the loser Morgan tribe got to take Rupert as their temporary tribesman.
Natural selection would have chosen Jon to be ousted from the Drakes, but for some odd reason, they gave pretty boy Burton the boot. On behalf of my gay male friends, I am sorry. On behalf of the rest of us, I am sorry because it means having to watch more of that idiot Jon.
In addition to being Barney Fife of the schemers, Jon also uses excess dude-slang, like "awesome," "stoked" and "feeling funky like a monkey." He also proved that alcohol plus a skinny wimp equals legendary televised creepiness.
At tribal council, where Jon was still drunk and mouthy, Jeff Probst asked if he was being too cavalier, then gave him a classic look that could kill.
If only!

No comments: