Friday, October 15, 2004


<span style="font-weight:bold;">Recaps: Survivor and the Apprentice</span>

Whew, I was glad to see the tribes go coed.
Too much estrogen and testosterone in one place is like eating sugar lumps with honey- it gets a mite too intense.
During the reward challenge, did anyone besides me check out Ami in her lavender bikini? She has the sexiest belly I've ever seen on that show. If she wasn't already my favorite, that would have done it for me. And Leann is no slouch herself. What an expressive face she's got. But Ami wins because of "The Ellen Factor," a special rating code we lesbians developed during one of our secret, homosexual agenda conventions.
Well. Bubba got the boot.
Between his accent being straight out of central casting for "Deliverance," his receding, red hair that looks suspiciously like pubes, and that monstrously hideous orange T-shirt with smarmy Bob Barker's face on it, I was getting a facial tic watching him. Add in those red, saggy shorts with the skid marks in back, and you have a breeding ground for viewers wanting to poke out their own eyes with a sharp stick.
Between Bubba and Rory, the Yaser women really got the stems and seeds of the men's team.
I loved how Amy didn't want to share all their housekeeping tips with the boys-- such a good lesbian, wanting to keep her firm, shapely coconuts away from the menfolk. 
And I really loved how pissed she got when she saw that stoop Bubba making hand signals and stage whispering, "merge" to his dorky pal Chris, who remained with the other team.
When the tribes switched members, old Twila sure came alive around Sarge and those other butch guys. I thought I glimpsed some sexual energy in her eyes while she was talking to Sarge. Then I remembered, she wants to BE one of them, not be WITH one of them.
Anyway, the show is finally picking up some steam now that the cast has fewer names and faces to remember. And with Bubba gone, my nightmares will stop about seeing that T-shirt further decaying over the weeks to come.

The Apprentice:
I think you might have to be gay to really appreciate the delicious irony of putting a clump of straight guys into a project involving fashion design, merchandising and marketing.
When they were picking out fabrics, I thought I was going to wet my pants laughing.
I mean, I'm not exactly haute couture, but I do know that plaid, Herculon sofa upholstery fabric in shades of brown is not suited for women's fashion wear, especially when paired with pastel, floral patterned voile in shades of mauve and lavender.
Still, I'd rather have been on their team than the women's team. All that girly girl sashaying around, trying on stuff and saying 'fabulous' too much would have made me nervous.
I would have begged for the task of doing the swatch books, off in a corner and away from all the High Fashion Barbie action.
And what's with Raj, chatting up the models as if he stood a chance?
Do lines like his actually work on anyone? If I were straight and a guy with a bow tie started schmoozing me up, I'd ask him if his tie was from the Orville Redenbacher menswear collection.
Tip: Chances are, if a man's fashion gimmick is shared only by right-wing meat puppet Tucker Carlson, it's not gonna get him laid any faster than a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet would.
I forget the guy's name who got fired, because I was too fixated on the poopy diaper face that blond guy Wes was making after they lost. He's annoying now that I saw how pissy he looked after losing the challenge.
Though the polls want Ivana fired next, I think Elizabeth should go. She's one of those women that make people say women are hard to work with.
Wait. ALL the women are that way on the show this season!

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