Saturday, September 06, 2008

The Secret Diary of Sarah Palin

As a service to Pulp Friction readers, our team of crack investigative reporters have infiltrated a fortified igloo somewhere west of Wasilla, Alaska and discovered this secret diary, hidden in a pile of US Weekly and People magazines.

Dear Diary,
OMG I can't beeelieve that John S. McCane has actually chosen me to be his Vee Pee!!!!!
Its all so surrealistic, being on the stage of the highest place ever, the Republican convention!!!!

And I rocked it, baby!!!

I had some help on my speech from that hilarious Karl Rove and believe me, that dude's a genious!!!
So, earlier before the convention I got to meet John McCane and let me tell you, that guy may be old but he's got a pocket full of Viagra he showed me. YUCK!!!
He kept saying we needed good luck victory hugs, but after 4 really really long ones I was like, whoa dude!!!
His wife Cindy is cool but she's kinda like out to lunch. And I met Laura Bush too and she's like a total hick with that weirdo accent from Texas. Yuck!!!
Anyways, the media is just awful and they are so like after me like a pack of wolves after a wounded moose calf. So I asked John for Dick Cheney's cell phone number but he told me Dick only took messages and he'd relay his response through someone else.
So I said ask him what to do about the media. And 4 hours later John said Dick said it was ok to not talk to them at all!!!! How cool is that????!!!!
Meanwhile, Sambo and his sidekick Hairplugs are doing all kindsa stoopid ads and really pissing me off big time!!!!
Nevermind all that, I think I looked smokin hot at the speech. I told my chief of staff to create a new budget for wardrobe and make up another name for it, like "guberatorial emergency preparedness fund" so nobody tries to get on me about it. But Jeeze its not like im not bringing Alaska all kindsa great publicity and all!
Finally Todd has said he's mister mom because the LAST thing I have time for right now is keeping an eye on all those damn kids. Especially that retarded baby of Bristol's. Oops I mean "special needs baby" I gotta be careful what I say because the damn liberal media is so P.C. about crap like that!!!
Oh and here's a great LOL for ya. I was wearing Bristol's daisy dukes and bent over picking something up in the hallway and guess who came by and patted my butt? Yes, Levi. He apologized and said it was "an accident." Suuuuure it was, Studly Doright!!!! LOLZ!!!
And back to the stupid liberals, I hate those liberal bitches from that old timey group Heart because they went apeshit that I used Barracuda as my theme song. Liberal whores, probably queer too, especially that big fat one!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope when I become VEE PEE they like having their taxes audited, those liberal whores.
Well, I gotta go soon, Todd is making moose stew, trying to kiss up to me as he should!!!!
Laters!!! From the next VEE PEE of the United States of America!!!!! :)
Sarah!! Make the Sarah Palin VEE PEE!!!!!!!!!


Anonymous said...

OMG! She's so, like, part valley girl and part hick! What's not to like?

Matthew Hubbard said...

I like it, Zippy! But to be fair, I think she would know mooses have calves and not cubs. Folks who kill things become well informed about the things they snuff.

Anonymous said...

Really good stuff Zip.

I'll bet she's a competitive mother type that wears her teenage daughters clothes and flirts with boyfriends that come around.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Matty and Sis, I took the liberty of editing in your suggestions. Excellent observations, thank you.

Freida Bee said...

I heard DCup say you looked like Peggy Hill and I could see that, but I didn't realize that it went all the way to the same glasses. Do you speak fluent Espanol like Peggy, too? That could come in handy when Dick does fill you in on his undisclosed hotspots.

You know you have to sleep with him, right? But, look on the bright side: if you do him wildly enough, maybe he'll kick it and you'll be like The Prez!

Anonymous said...

I'm afraid you hit the nail on the head, and that's why I'm very afraid.

Karen Zipdrive said...

Methinks Palin has slept with a lot worse than Walnuts McCain.
Somehow I doubt that Todd Palin was the only outdoorsman to shoot that rutting beaver.

Distributorcap said...

i dont think i have laughed so hard eveh!

i dont even know which was the part that got me the most

you know you should do a new Vagina Monologues - Vagina Diaries of the GOP

you have laura, you have cindy, you have sarah..

you need a lynn cheney and a kay bailey hutchison and you are all complete!

Anonymous said...

I kept thinking the same thing as Freida "say Meh-he-co."

The new theme song for their rallies? Survivor's Eye of the Tiger.

Survivor? Theme song from one of the Rockey sequels?

Those Repubs rock the subtle.

KZD - Now you're killing me with your ability for satire? Honestly, woman, my sides hurt.

Anonymous said...

Eye of the Tiger?
What bullshit.
Their theme song should be something peppier from McCain's era, like like "March of the Volga Boatmen."

Go ahead- Google it- see what I mean.

Anonymous said...

today i got my lobotomy

tomorrow i vote repubelican

good stuff as always, kz!

Karen Zipdrive said...

Thanks Deth*- good to see you again, babycakes.

*he's my old pal in real life

Fran said...

Holy crap woman, it has taken me all day to get here but worth the wait.

This is beyond hilarious.

It really IS her diary isn't it?

Unknown said...

Oh sweet jesus in a speedo..that was delish! ;)

Anonymous said...

hilarious!!! in my mind, i just naturally started reading it in her voice. now i'm afraid to go to sleep.
who says that sister sarah kicked the good old boys in the nuts? seems to me, she would fit right in with the old gang.

Anonymous said...

OMG Nonnie please post links like that whenever possible--HILARIOUS!

Anonymous said...

feel free to borrow images whenever you like. i forgot about the king of the hill pics i made until you posted the pic of peggy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Nonnie.
You are one of blogdom's most talented Photoshoppers and anyone who hasn't seen your stuff should rush to your site listed to the right, "Hysterical Raisins."

Anonymous said...

karen, go over there and see what you inspired!

Anonymous said...

Nonnie, I think I love you!
Y'all go see Hysterical Raisins. Link at right.

Anonymous said...

tonight's batch is just the appetizers. tomorrow night's pics are much better!